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 Lee Saldivar of Meridian 65 in the Studio

Lee Saldivar of Meridian 65 in the Studio April, 2016

Behind The Song - Find My Way Home

From the Meridian 65 Album Timeless

As with everything else I write, "Find My Way Home" came from that part of me that is not easy to get to, because like everyone else, most of my waking hours are consumed with the usual subterfuge of life; money concerns, family, work, etc. But once in a while, I get tapped on the shoulder by that unseen force, that spirit, who gives me the wherewithal and the depth to create a work that reflects my life, my thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and my future - at least the one that I hope for. The songs come when you're most emotionally open I think, be it from sadness, elation, even a little angry perhaps, sometimes at the worst possible time, when you can't put the idea down and allow the whole song to come in. They can also be inspired by others' lives and situations, I've written several songs that were directly about a loved-ones' plight, though they did not, and still do not know that.

This song came at a particular time when I was feeling the despair of having lost loved ones who who played profound and significant roles in my life;  my dad, my mom, a brother, a nephew. Part of us leaves with them when we lose a loved-one to the next level, and deep in the caverns of our hearts is that longing to see them again and to laugh, cry, and express all the things you may not have had a chance to. They, were home. But they were part of the matrix that is my life, and what it meant to feel at home here on earth.

As a boy, and then a young man, I wanted to build castles for my parents, and though I was fortunate enough to help provide for them as they grew older, I wish I'd done better for them, I wanted so much to give them the life I thought they deserved. After all, they put their very souls into their family, and as the next-to-last of eleven children, I could see what they sacrificed, and that their job would never really be done; the worry, the struggle, and the hurt that they endured for their own parents who had gone before them. Then, there was my brother Ron, who died of heart-disease at 52 after long-suffering. He would at times ponder aloud how he would be free from all the bill-collectors, the pain, the worry, the struggle once he passed, I didn't like hearing it, but I knew what he'd gone through with a wife who was sick her whole life, it made him old before his time.

My nephew Hank, who left this world at 33 after a year-long battle with cancer, who was more like my younger brother being only a few years younger than I and also a musician, and the very best friend you could have and we had so much fun and laughter through the years, Hank was the guy who knew everyone, and who would help anyone and I miss him terribly. In 1991 I lost my dad. I find consolation in the fact that at least I had him in my life into adulthood. His wisdom, his courage, his answers to my questions, they stayed in my head and in my heart and have guided me through very difficult times. He was not a very affectionate man, and he was as stubborn as they get, but he was there, like a rock, an anchor. He asked me to take care of my mom - his wife of more than fifty years before he passed, and I gladly did so.

And she, my mother, was the heart and soul of a huge family. The epitome of what a mom is, of what unconditional love meant. She lived with my son and I and slowly deteriorated from medicinally-induced Parkinson's Disease, a condition which was brought on and/or enhanced by prescription drugs for heart problems. She was an artist, a collector, a seamstress, an incredible cook, a wise and deeply compassionate mother who could set you straight when necessary, gently soothe a broken heart, inspire and encourage you to pursue your passion and live by faith - and when she spoke of faith, she knew what she was talking about. Watching her slip away over an eight-year period was utterly heartbreaking, I have a difficult time with this still, but I did all I could to make here comfortable for those years, and I'll always feel that I could have, and should have done more.

Her soul, her heart were as deep and rich as any ocean, as vast as the universe to us, her children. Such power in the human heart, such conviction, the essence of what humanity was supposed to be. She passed away in September of 2008, and it's impossible to convey that loss with words alone. I have worked to turn that part of my life and thoughts into something productive, the music. Therefore, the words, the sentiment behind "Find My Way Home" are an Ode to my life and those with whom I have shared it. My way of expressing that I am in full realization of where I have been, where I am, and where I wish to go, that I too have regrets and wish I could have given more than I did, but that's just part of life, part of being human, part of all of us. Each day, I am fulfilling my destiny as they did, as we all must do to make it back home someday.

Yes, there's a lot to it and I hope that I didn't tire you out, but these songs have a purpose beyond just being there, they have served to breathe life back into me, because I know what it's like to be dead inside, to lose your way, and they brought me back from there. I hope that they can serve you as well, by painting pictures with words that sort of prove that we are all essentially the same.

Peace.

Lyrics to the Timeless album

Find My Way Home - Written by Lee Saldivar © 2014 Area 5 Music Co. ASCAP All Rights Reserved.